FALL - THE TIME OF CHANGING COLORS - AND DEPRESSION

Well - October is almost over - the leaves are slowly turning color here - most of them went straight from green to brown and released themselves to the ground.

This is the worst time of the year for me - it is the time of my "yearly" depression. The cool air - scent of wood burning in fireplaces - the breeze blowing straight from the clouds - all together make for a time to remember the happier days of my life and feel the depression of all that has been lost - all that is gone - all that I'll never see or hear again. You know that scents can trigger a memory quicker than anything - and for me that is true.

I stepped out my front door yesterday morning and caught just a whiff of wood burning smoke and was immediately transported back in time to the farm, my father cutting firewood, my mother cooking on our woodburning stove, my horses calling from the barn lot, my dogs running through the leaves, the way the cold air was "crisp" and almost burned your nose but if you took deep deep breaths of it - then it warmed you from the top of your head all the way to your toes.

I would ride one of my horses all the way to the top of the mountain - sometimes along - sometimes with a friend - no horse flies to bother us - nothing but the sound of hooves on a gravel road, leaves blowing down from the trees, an occassional cry from a crow or a hawk, squirrels running everywhere - the horses as interested as we were as to what was going on around us. These were some of the best times of my life - and they are gone - over.

Sometimes the fact that things are forever gone doesn't bother me at all - in fact there are months at a time when I feel no regrets, no sorrow. But in the fall and winter - all those thoughts come crashing through the thin veneer that shelters me and leaves bruises on my very soul. Everyday tears are common . (I do my best crying in the shower where Ryan can't hear me and attributes my red swollen eyes to shampoo in the eyes.)

This time of year makes me doubt that I'll live to see another spring. So far I have, and really hope that I will again.

My water ride shuts down at Dollywood this Saturday. I'm "on call" for the Roadway for November and December, and then I'll have 3 months "off".

I must get my heat hooked back up next week - it is a little "chilly" in the mornings now, but so far the portable heater in the dining room for the birds have kept us fairly comfortable.

Ryan has to have another tooth pulled on Friday - that's the second one. He tries so hard to brush effectively but is still lacking.

Well - to all who visit here - I'm glad you stopped by - hope you come again.

Peace